Thoughts

I haven't written anything on my blog for quite some time now, not good for someone new to writing anything. This doesn't mean i've had no thoughts, quite the opposite actually, my head has been filled with buzzing intriguing ideas, words, prompts... Trouble is when it's too full i can't focus, can't concentrate on any one of them. That's when i write nothing. Instead I'm turning my focus back to photography. I dont have to think you see, i just pick up my camera, rucksack and keys, possibly something to eat and drink and i take off. Don't usually know where i'm going but it usually involves water of some description. I am definitely drawn to water. I went out two days ago and ended up at a country park in Southampton, this has become a local haunt to me since December. I can just be myself, walking along the shore, watching the tide flow in and out, the white tips surround the pebbles, a burnt out piece of log, and seaweed. I feel at peace here. No one judging me, but plenty of people looking down on me.I know when I'm here that this really is what life is all about. Tranquility.

Trust

Trust is something which needs to be earnt.
Once given can be easily burnt.
I gave my trust in the blink of an eye.
Now i ask my self 'my God why?'
I should trust no one,
coz they let you down,
My face turned into a frown.
Trusted but one, for a life time,
Then let in another,
to act out and mime.
Lies she did tell,
but still wont admit,
Caught in a trap,
if only a bit.
Until i get answers
I can't move on
My head tells me leave it
Coz she'll never tell,
Now i trust no one,
In this living hell.

Truly

The thoughts that go around in my head,
Making me wish truly i was dead,
My body aches it needs to feel,
My mind it needs to learn to deal,
With my past life thats trapped in my head,
Making me wish I truly was dead.

Back to Black

I loved her for a bloody long time,
The feeling of her body with mine,
We kissed and volts thro our bodies ran,
Nothing i'd felt, come from, any man.

We planned our future and growing old,
We lived together her and her fold
We talked so much, had respect and trust,
Nothing would ever make us go bust.

Months turned to years and years extended,
Until the day that she befriended
Another love, new soulmate, not I,
Still to this day i ask myself why?

I love her so much, hurts me to think
I lost her love, so i turned to drink,
I know that she'd never, take me back,
So for now i will go, back to black.....

Why???

I drink for pleasure, I drink for fun,
I drink because my past life hath won,
I drink to forget, love i have lost,
I drink and don't care, just at what cost.

Release Me

My thoughts are running a mock with me,
Flat lies empty but stll i can see
Reminders of what might have been,
If only i hadn't looked, hadnt seen.

It feels so empty, lonely and bare,
I feel i deserve no one to care,
Why should i what is my worth?
Tainted since my fated birth.

I need to escape to leave this place,
Get out and run disguise my face,
Look in the mirror, hate what i see
No wonder people take piss from me.

When will life come to an end?
A letter to the Gods i send
In that letter it doth say,
Dear Gods please take my life away.

Response as such, not your time but mine
So get in the queue go stand in line,
When we are ready, then, you'll come
To that place that, you, call home.

Is it a blessing or curse, perception,


When stared in face with total deception,


My gut feeling said get right out of there,


Yet all i cud do was stand tall and stare.


Stare at the night sky, and mornin, day too


All that i asked, was tell me, who are you?

Who does she really think i was?
All i wanted was the truth,
Ended up just like the fuzz,
Found the fateful proof.
Who was she? what was her game?
Din't tell me her real name.
Am i to blame coz now she's gone,
Everything i did was wrong.
Still need answers,
Feel betrayed,
She took my soul
when i was laid.
What a fool, never again
Sun is gone, just left with rain...............

Hind sight

Hind sight its a wonderful thing. If i think back i wouldn't have allowed myself to feel anything. Last night when i looked out i saw no mother moon, and only a couple of stars, the cloud was such it blocked my view. Maybe that cloud cover was sent by you. So tell me who you really are, were you ever here solely or always thinking, of the next step in the game, to keep me drinking. Were you a person or just in my mind, you started out so very kind? If i see you as unreal then at least i can forgive, but if that person was not just my alter then i really do begin to falter. That's when it becomes quite scary, the risk i put upon myself, letting you into my home, my life, christ you wanted to become my wife. Questions unanswered and i know they wont be, you've cut your losses, and run away, maybe you'd still be here if thick nik had agreed to stay.

Questions

Today i find that not only have i lost somone but that they have taken away my chance of change. She took my words and my thoughts in one foul scoop. She apparently set up a blog for me, but has now taken it back and reclaimed it for herself. Why would she feel the need to do that? She said to me the other night if you can stop loving you never loved at all. Not true, love changes. She professed her love for me but on being challenged removed me from her life in the blink of an eye. Some would say i had A LUCKY ESCAPE?? It doesnt feel that way to me. It feels like i let someone in and they took my feelings and shredded them. No thought, or maybe there was?! Was it literally all calculated? What was the game plan? I'm going to continue to write my thoughts down, this may not be as posh as the one that she did for me but at least it's a space for me to express myself.